Ten Movies that Everyone Should Watch on Halloween

Since I work basically all the time, my heart breaks this Halloween. I'm missing most of the great programming that comes on this time of year. It makes me year for years past and remember those movies that scream, "It's Halloween!". Now you have horror movies, then you have movies that belong on television on Halloween. Here are ten that, at least to this blogger, bring out all the creepiness, gore, witches, ghosts, and the basic necessities that make Halloween the best holiday of the year. In no particular order:

1) Halloween. How could I not list this film first? The entire plot is based on the holiday and AMC plays this little gem (and all of its gem sequels) all day and night long on Halloween. "Halloween" set the standard for teen slasher flicks. All the rules of modern horror? They came from "Halloween" and the boundaries it set. Much of the fright-factor comes from two basic plot elements: horror in suburbia, and being chased by a guy in a mask on Halloween. This guy could be anyone, he's wearing a mask! Unlike other horror movies, the masked killer actually fits in. It is Halloween, afterall. This could be the guy walking ten steps behind you while you take your kids trick or treating. The late sixties saw a rise in slasher films like this, but few took place in your own neighborhood. Jamie Lee's character is secluded with neighbors all around. You think your safe because your neighbor can see into your living room? Think again.


2) Hocus Pocus. I grew up with this movie, and to this day it is still one of my favorites. Also taking place on Halloween, "Hocus Pocus" isn't quite the slice-em-up fest that "Halloween" is. It's a Disney movie, and it's great. The three witches are hysterical, there's a talking cat, a little teen romance, and a zombie. Great fun for the whole family!


3) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This film has almost no plot and its entire purpose is to show you the true ugliness of the American family unit. They're cannibals, chasing around a bunch of stoned teenagers in the 70's. As with anything good and Halloween related, there's a guy in a mask! It's just a mask made out of a human face. Interestingly, this movie isn't actually that gorey. No, really. A trick to this movie is the *implied* gore of what's going on. What your brain imagines is probably worse than anything they can actually put to film, so they let you do that. The image of Leatherface is so ingrained that it is one of the most popular Halloween costumes out there for men, and it never stops scaring the kids. And adults, too.


4) The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. No, not that Johnny Depp film. The 1949 Disney short that for many years Disney played every Halloween night. Yet another classic with which I grew up, I'm biased I guess. That image of a skinny, nearly silent Ichabod Crane has never left me. Sorry Johnny, you just didn't do it for me. It breaks my heart that Disney no longer shows this and it's almost impossible to find a copy (I don't think it's even been formatted to DVD). However, if you can, take the 34 minutes to watch it. It puts a smile on your face and inspires some serious pumpkin carving.

5) Scream. The ultimate horror spoof. Wes Craven is such a genius, that he managed to make a spoof actually scary. Taking most of its cues from "Halloween", it unabashedly rips off most slasher movies made since then. It still manages originality and genuine fright. The late-nineties saw a rebirth of teen slasher films, and "Scream" was their godfather. Instead of the uber-depressing films of the 70's that played on the horror that is humanity, and the awful campiness of the 80's, "Scream" incorporated intelligent humor to keep things light, while throwing in just enough darkness to keep it scary. It's a brilliant homage to John Carpenter and it has yet to get old. The sequels to it sucked, but the original never fails as good background music for a Halloween party.


6) The Amityville Horror. This is a toss-up between the original and the 2005 remake. With the original, you have, you know, a good movie. With the remake, you get Ryan Reynolds shirtless. Take your pick. I prefer the original, but I do love me some shirtless Ryan Reynolds. "Amityville Horror" plays on one of our most basic fears: our own homes. It takes the standard old-house-bad-history route, but what is more scary than your own house possessing you? You're supposed to possess the house, not the other way around. It has very creepy music and you won't be able to turn off any lights in your house for a week after watching it. The image of the house itself is iconic as the ultmiate haunted house. Those gags you neighbor does every year are downright lame in comparison.


7) Shaun of the Dead. Okay so "Night of the Living Dead" and its 17 sequels are considered the archetype of all zombie film, "Shaun of the Dead" does what those other movies can't: it laughs at itself. Like "Scream", it's actually a spoof, taking from most zombie films in the past and mocking them incessently. Also like "Scream", it's both hilarious and actually scary. There is more realism to "Shaun" than in any other zombie film I've seen. The characters are goofy, real people, who do strange things because they just aren't thinking clearly. Heck, Shaun doesn't even notice his city is turning into zombie-central for several hours. You shouldn't want to kill yourself after a Halloween movie marathon, so "Shaun" is quite perfect. It's funny, it's scary, and it actually does make you think about how little you DO notice about the world around you.


8) Psycho/The Birds. This one has to be a toss-up of the two scariest Hitchcock films ever made. Hitchcock has other great thrillers, but both "Psycho" and "The Birds" hold the crown for being the most frightening. They both leave you with such a sense of unease at the end it's hard to stop thinking about them. "Psycho" birthed the most recognizable horror track ever and gave cross-dressing a whole new meaning. Really, who saw that coming? "The Birds" does for seagulls what "Jaws" did for the ocean. Both films make you scared to leave your house. Where can you possibly go that's safe? They're just plain classic and set the mood for fall colors and looking over your shoulder.


9) Carrie. Oh, who could forget "Carrie"? Revenge of the nerds at its finest. "Carrie" really isn't that scary until the climax of the film. What makes it scary is knowing what's coming and your inability to stop it. Even those who defended her got it in the end. With great plot elements like a religious fanatic mother, telekenisis, and a good dousing with pig's blood, how can you go wrong with this on Halloween? Innocence corrupted by blood, literally. This film represents every bully's worst nightmare. Oh and it has P.J. Soles in that stupid hat. Yes, this movie is a good one with popcorn on a cool Halloween afternoon.


10) Poltergeist. Last and most certainly not least....They're heeeerrreee. That horrifyingly angelic voice. Trees coming to get you. Clown dolls coming to life. Your flesh peeling off your face in the mirror. Getting literally sucked into the TV. Every aspect of this movie is scary. It takes place in a brand new trackhome. Not your "Amityville" old house that has a history of hauntings. No, this is the place where everyone lives. How can it possibly be haunted? Until "Poltergeist", modern homes simply weren't ever thought of as places for a haunting. That door has now been opened. If you aren't having a scary enough holiday, "Poltergeist" can change that really quickly. God, I love this movie. The effects aren't great, but it combines so many scary ideas it's a great way to have a truly creepy Halloween night.

Come on to my house

So, I'm sitting here watching a gem of a reality competition called "The Search for the Next Elvira". I'm sure you can put the competition together just based on that information. Now who is competing on it??? Bridget! My personal favorite of Hef's ladies.



No joke, I want to be her when I grow up. She has a Master's Degree, but isn't a know it all (in fact is so damn chipper she gives off the impression she's not that smart). She is sweet to everyone, the type of person to act incredibly excited over a gift she absolutely hates. She doesn't gossip or talk badly about other people. She doesn't judge. She's not bone thin but still very sexy. She puts her heart and soul into every gift she gives. And like this Elvira thing, she has the confidence to put herself out there and try something wacky, regardless of how people might view it.

Yup, I have a straight girl crush on her.

I put my teeth marks on the Marine one.

THE DIFFERENCES IN THE MILITARY


US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Blue Falcon, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army,
because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over
waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by
their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other
services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me
and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After
completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating,
Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I
will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to
clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will
annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me
God!"

____________________
Signature
____________________
Date


US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to
the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the
ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines,
and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear
camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my
uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to
tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill
Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will
see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact
that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain
that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of
my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a
different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk
around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will
make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for
a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I
will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look
of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will
arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave
everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on
separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from
high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000
for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So Help Me God!"

_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date


US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually
live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to
swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in
1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants
I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man
during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will
strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover,
geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor,
wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will
take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and
insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point
that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and
still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected
for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite
possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me
Neptune!"

______________________
Signature
______________________
Date


US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt...
kill....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors
wives ....whiskey....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me God!

X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date

Scars

A young man came into my store today. His medium reg hair cut and square jaw were what first caught my attention. He wore standard business clothes and was accompanied by similarly dressed males, though none quite had his presence. Marines, whether you like it or not, you have an aura. Especially the veterans. It never goes away, even after you've been a civilian for years. This young man came through my line and had scars on his cheek I've only ever seen on Marines who've seen action in Iraq or Afghanistan. Like random bits of metal and rock had once, recently, sliced into his skin. Needless to say, his eyes were much older than his face. I began to wonder about him; what he had done and seen, how exactly he was adjusting to civilian life, if he was perhaps still in the reserves (hence his attachment to that super hair cut). Was his life turning out the way he expected? Was he happy now, or did he feel that strange detatchment from others that often overtakes veterans? He'll probably never be back, so I guess I'll never know. I do hope he finds peace one day.

Movie Review: The Kingdom

Well, my readers (all three of you) know about my taste for destruction, so The Kingdom was a natural choice for me to see this weekend. And boy, was I ever not disappointed.

One it starts, it doesn't stop. It doesn't waste time with a lot of backstory, just a run-down of American and Saudi relations throughout the 20th century and now. In fact, there almost wasn't enough backstory. I did have some trouble following who was who, but who cares? We all know from Alias that everyone likes watching Jennifer Garner kicking ass, and that's what you get in the last half hour or so of the film.

Jamie Fox and Chris Cooper (Jarhead buddies) return to reprise almost the same roles in The Kingdom. If it works, it works.

I read one review in the OC Post that lambasted the film for it's pro-American overtones (undertones are too subtle), saying that the film boils down to white guy vs. brown guy. Frankly, I didn't see it that way. Half the heroes of the movie are Saudi's, including Saudi royalty. They even made a point of humanizing the bad guys.

The movie lacks the subtle finesse of the film greats, but when you are paying $8 a ticket for entertainment, The Kingdom delivers. It obviously wants you to feel pity for the innocent American children who had their softball game blown up (no joke) and it obviously wants to make a point that this isn't about color. It was about revenge and blowing stuff up. Get your popcorn and soda and enjoy.